How to be a Proper Customer

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Being a customer is hard work.  It requires you to leave the sanctity of your home and actually go out into the world.  To procure things.  To buy things.  Things you might not even need.  But we do it because we’re gluttonous Americans and that’s who we are.

However, sometimes we lose sight of the Real MVPs – those who have to deal with us when we actually have to go somewhere like Target or Applebee’s.  Even sad places like the DMV.  I’ve compiled this short list to help us all be Better Customers

  1. When the all-too-happy customer service representative behind the counter salutes you with a vibrant “Hello,” the proper thing to do is to say hello back.  Saying hello to whoever calls you on your cell phone at that same moment doesn’t count.
  2. Money is filthy dirty.  It’s gross, covered with the hands of the thousands of people who had it before you.  People who blew their noses and wiped their butts.  Putting this money in your sweaty bra or even sweatier running shorts does not make the disgustingness go away.  No.  So why would you hand it over, folded in quarters, damp from your grossness, to the person ringing up your Quarter Pounder with extra cheese?
  3. Your children are children and you’re the adult.  Cassidy doesn’t know if she wants corn dogs or pizza?  A soda or juice?  Fine.  Don’t lean into her and coddle her insecurities.  Be a parent and make the damn decision for her.
  4. Family is a wonderful thing.  Spending time with them at a restaurant or bar is great! Your dogs are not part of this equation.  They belong at home, jumping on the sofa without your knowledge.  Tied to your chair while you chow down on a steak and baked potato is just cruel.  There are other people around you who might not be interested in watching your poodle wetly lick its asshole while they try to enjoy their dinner, so there’s that.
  5. When you’re upset about a product, and you call the customer service line, the person on the other end doesn’t give two shits about you, your problem, or how your life has been turned upside down because your new curling iron singed your delicate locks.  No.  The customer service rep is leaning back in his chair, covering the mouthpiece, and motioning toward his cubicle buddy and mouthing, “Another asshole,” and laughing at you.
  6. You are entitled to absolutely nothing and the world doesn’t owe you a damn thing.
  7. A food establishment is not your living room – put on some shoes, for Christ’s sake.
  8. Calling a restaurant at 8 p.m. on a Friday and asking, “Are you guys busy right now?” will garner you some of the biggest eye rolls in the history of eye rolls.
  9. “The other Starbucks doesn’t charge me for that.”  Great.  Hop back into your BMW and drive your ass over there.
  10. Finally, “It’s your job, isn’t it?” doesn’t often go over too well.  I have witnessed many a customer ask this of the person helping them.  Yes, it’s their job to be of convenience, but it’s your job to treat other human beings with dignity and respect, no matter what the job.
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